I want to send a big hug to all the mumma's out there. Not just for you. For me too.
One of my best, dear friends and mummy encouraged me this morning. She said 'Oh huni, I feel the same as you'. And you know what? That made me feel so much better.
This is me right now.
I'm struggling with feeling like I'm good enough. I don't seem to be able to get my head together enough to create a structured day/week for my family. My kids and hubby don't get planned meals. I want to, and sometimes I get it together, but it doesn't happen every day - sometimes every week. And our night time routine is messy. Very messy. Bed times don't really happen all proper either.
My house feels like it's blah. I feel I need to get a job to just be able to afford things to make my house look beautiful and pinterest worthy. . . because I am so sure that that will make me happy. Happy to be home with my kids in my beautiful house. I'm sure I'll be always smiling then.
I have so many books that I've started. Books that will make my life better, marriage happier and motherhood much more structured. I try and read them - but I get through a page or two and I've either go to re read those sections, or put the book down because I've remembered something I've got to do. OR I get interrupted. or space out. My brain just isn't computing.
I'm so pumped to eat real healthy. You know, clean eating, gluten free, lots of greens. . . . And I do try. But sometimes bread is just easier. Especially with kids. And sometimes all I really want is noodles. And sometimes I like to just feel satisfied - and eat a big plate. Bigger than a half cup serving of rice. Try three cups. Sometimes more. And then some nights I still enjoy dessert. Because that's my second stomach. The one that's empty after having a full tummy of mains. Sometimes I wake up with a food (or baby?!) hangover.
I have good intentions to wake up and read my Bible. Yesterday I wrote down a schedule. 6am I'm to 'Bible'. I woke up a little after 5. (I didn't wake up. Baby did. Baby woke me up). And I lay there. Spaced out. Hubby woke up and wanted to chat. 6am came. Maybe 10 minutes later I got out my Bible and held it. And then proceeded to read a book about telling myself the truth instead. . . because I was dealing with feeling obligated to do things for people instead wanting to. I didn't read my Bible. I'll probably not be the best Christian today :(.
I yell. I say bad words. I get so upset at myself I take it out on those I love most. Not all the time, but I hate myself when I do.
I compare myself to the gorgeous hot friends I stalk on internet media. Their lives are so perfect - can't you see? They're so happy, getting out and doing things, buying cool things, eating amazingly healthy things, they have flat stomachs and glowing faces. Wish I could do my makeup like they do.
Sometimes I feel alone. Like I'm the only one going through hard stuff. No one would really understand, and if they knew. They'd think I was weird. I better just not say anything.
But you know what. Sometimes I think it's better to say something. Sometime you just need to share. And sometimes you just need a hug.
Here's a hug for you. I don't know the details of the things you deal with. But maybe the hug I'm giving you, is a little for me too.
Here is a little encouragement that has boosted me to the sky this morning: http://teachmetobraid.blogspot.com.au/2014/11/right-here.html
Please read it. And know that God is right here. Hugging you, hugging me. And reminding us that we don't need to look around us to see how to live. We need to live for Him.
From my heart to yours this morning, hugs xo